On the outside, I’m like:
But, on the inside:
Jessica Simpson’s hair on tonight’s episode of Fashion Star, aka, how to wear your hair when the world doesn’t take you seriously but you run a billion dollar fashion empire.
Tavi is a one-in-a-million nugget of brilliance and originality, but since I am unapologetically obsessed with things like eyelash extensions, Olive Garden, and myself, I’ve always known we could never be besties (or the modern equivalent- people who tweet at each other). But when I watched her Two-Minute Beehive vid and she was waxing poetic on dirty hair and laziness—the very foundations of dumpiness on which FBB is built—I wondered…are Tavs and FBB secret twinsies? Here’s the play-by-play:
WAYS IN WHICH “TWO-MINUTE BEEHIVE” IS THE FBB-IEST:
- Tavi admits she hasn’t washed her hair in days. That’s my favorite hairstyle, too!
- Girl is rocking some maje cat-eye liner, which everyone knows is the secret to being naturally pretty.
- She tells short-haired people to find their own damn hairstyles, not unlike the non-instruction we give our readers on a daily basis. (hahaaa “daily” basis)
- Disney princess reference. +100
- She keeps her bobby pins where she can see them. We invented visible BPs! You’re welcome.
WAYS IN WHICH “TWO-MINUTE BEEHIVE” IS THE OPPOSITE-IEST:
- Fake Beauty Blog is neither tutorial-filled nor helpful.
- She says at least four times that the beauty of the quickie-beehive is that it doesn’t require teasing or hairspray, which is kind of like saying you found a cupcake recipe that doesn’t require frosting. What’s the point?
- Tavi blurts out, “I think I look good,” and then immediately feels grossed out, as if giving herself a compliment was an involuntary impulse on par with stomach-flu-vom. Please, if talking about how pretty you look was bad for you, Gena and I would be dead circa freshman year of college.
In conclusion: Despite our shared affinity for second-day hair, Tavi just isn’t narcissistic enough to truly be on Fake Beauty Blog level.
…but that didn’t stop me from trying it anyway:
This really took only two minutes (I know because I was simultaneously microwaving my dinner). Sure, I want to give it a good messy tease and hairspray the crap out of it. But even playing by Tavi’s rules, I still look really, really pretty.
According to science: Alcohol makes you think you’re more attractive, but makes others actually find you less attractive. See here.
According to FBB: Der. See below.
Animated with Loopcam for iPhone.
Click here for the tutorial:
LOLZ jk. You know we don’t do that helpful stuff around here. Like, you either know how to braid or you don’t.
I feel like an awesome thing no one ever talks about in regards to having bangs is: You never have to pluck your eyebrows. It’s like the lazy girls guide to skipping a grooming task. Of course, the bangs themselves require upkeep, but as you can see from my current FB photo, I rarely trim my bangs until people start mistaking me for an overgrown brunette sheepdog.
Anyway, the point is I just plucked mine for the first time in recent memory, and it was sort of a jungle up there. Elisa and I are all about a strong brow, but unfortunately (especially for the men of the world), “strong” and “totally unkempt” are not the same thing.
And that’s your FBB overshare for the day.
Even though The Beauty Department copied us that one time with the whole exposed bobby pin thing, we’re cool with it, because we copy everything Lauren Conrad has ever done, including getting back together with bad news boyfriends, being totally catty in a loving way about our friends, and flirty A-line skirts.
Most recent case in point: Hair Chalking. I’ve been meaning to copy this tutorial since I first saw it, and on a recent trip to the Happiest Place In The World (Not Disneyworld, but Hobby Lobby), I grabbed a pack of soft pastels, my sister, and got to work.
My hair is not always this weird shape—wind—but is frequently this stringy.
First of all, the chalk TBD recommends costs $4 a piece. Our set (pictured below) cost like, $7 for a box of about 30. So, Fake Beauty Blog quality per ushe.
Results on moi, or as I shall henceforth be called, Gena Peacock:
And results on my sister, Vitamin C(helsea):
It’s/we are so pretty I am CDD (Crying Dying Dead. It’s a thing, people). Also, this can seriously be done in about 10 minutes. So fun for a night out.
Issues: It stains your clothes and fades out pretty significantly within a few hours.
Solutions: Wear in an updo to keep it off your clothes and minimize touching, therefore maximize staying power. Also, it will probably wash out of your clothes, which are cheap dumpsters anyway, and really, doesn’t the joy of everything in life fade within a few hours? #deepthoughts
You guys, happy birthday to my bestest bestie and Fake Beauty Blog creator Elisa, who always upstages my bloggers buns, never calls me out for stealing all her funny expressions and using them in my own writing, picks the best Same Magazine Page outfit themes for going out, barely gets mad when I discuss her use of fake hair on the interweb, is the master of fake eyelashes, and generally makes everything more special and fun.
In honor of Elisa’s birthday, a retrospective of times we looked crazy pretty and/or pretty crazy:
I love you, bebe!
So I used to avoid headbands because they make my already wide head look downright bobble. But then my friend Anne left this cute little headband at my apartment and instead of giving it back, I decided I’m so pretty that I TOTALLY PULL IT OFF. (Taken with instagram)